“Genuine, healthy self-esteem develops when caring adults identify children’s strengths but also allow them the satisfaction that comes only from trying and failing. Effort, failure, and eventual triumph builds great emerging adults.”

We all have a fear as parents that our kids will continue to get older but never become mature enough that they are able to stand on their own. We see so many posts from young adults talking about the difficulties of “adulting” and we nod along with a grin.

There came a point in my imagining the future for my kids that I thought, “What if this is not a joke, and my kids actually struggle to do the most basic adult things?”

I came across Tim Elmore over a decade ago and I love the work he does across the country in teaching leadership principles to schools, non-profits, and parents. He wrote a book called 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid which addresses some basic things we do as parents that actually are mistakes and can hinder them from becoming strong and resilient.

The introduction from Tim helps frame the conversation in the pages that follow:

Here’s the bottom line. I believe we need to face some new issues as parents. We must define what kids need from us to mature in a healthy way. We must figure out what hinders their growth and what equips them to be great adults. We must become both nurturers and trainers, knowing that we are not raising children, but future adults. I offer this book as a reference guide as you face your toughest challenges and attempt to get kids ready for life as they leave your home or school. Here’s to correcting our mistakes along the way—for their sake.

This is a book worth reading and, more than that, worth applying (it’s never too late to help your kids). The mistakes we can avoid are:

MISTAKE 1: We Won’t Let Them Fail
When we remove the possibility of failure, we dilute kids’ motivation to excel.

MISTAKE 2: We Project Our Lives on Them
When we project, kids are pressured to become someone they are not.

MISTAKE 3: We Prioritize Being Happy
When happiness is the goal instead of a by-product, it is elusive and disappointing.

MISTAKE 4: We Are Inconsistent
When we are inconsistent, we send mixed signals and breed insecurity and instability in kids.

MISTAKE 5: We Remove the Consequences
When we remove consequences for actions, we fail to prepare kids for the future.

MISTAKE 6: We Lie About Their Potential and Don’t Explore Their True Potential
When we distort, disillusionment results from dreams that don’t match kids’ gifts.

MISTAKE 7: We Won’t Let Them Struggle or Fight
When we eliminate the struggle, kids are conditioned to give up easily without trying.

MISTAKE 8: We Give Them What They Should Earn
When we give them too much, they don’t learn the art of working and waiting.

MISTAKE 9: We Praise the Wrong Things
When we affirm kids’ looks or smarts instead of their virtues, their values become skewed.

MISTAKE 10: We Value Removing All Pain
When we take away pain, kids’ ability to endure hardship or loss atrophies.

MISTAKE 11: We Do It for Them
When we do things for kids, they can become lazy, unmotivated to grow, and disabled.

MISTAKE 12: We Prepare the Path for the Child Instead of the Child for the Path
When we prepare the path, kids’ childhoods work fine, but their adulthood looks bleak.

There is practical application and real-life examples throughout the book. Worth taking a chance on, one word of caution though, it may require that you change too.

Pick up the book.

Tim’s Organization: Growing Leaders