“Genuine, healthy self-esteem develops when caring adults identify children’s strengths but also allow them the satisfaction that comes only from trying and failing. Effort, failure, and eventual triumph builds great emerging adults.”

We all have a fear as parents that our kids will continue to get older but never become mature enough that they are able to stand on their own. We see so many posts from young adults talking about the difficulties of “adulting” and we nod along with a grin.

There came a point in my imagining the future for my kids that I thought, “What if this is not a joke, and my kids actually struggle to do the most basic adult things?”

I came across Tim Elmore over a decade ago and I love the work he does across the country in teaching leadership principles to schools, non-profits, and parents. He wrote a book called 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid which addresses some basic things we do as parents that actually are mistakes and can hinder them from becoming strong and resilient.

The introduction from Tim helps frame the conversation in the pages that follow:

Here’s the bottom line. I believe we need to face some new issues as parents. We must define what kids need from us to mature in a healthy way. We must figure out what hinders their growth and what equips them to be great adults. We must become both nurturers and trainers, knowing that we are not raising children, but future adults. I offer this book as a reference guide as you face your toughest challenges and attempt to get kids ready for life as they leave your home or school. Here’s to correcting our mistakes along the way—for their sake.

This is a book worth reading and, more than that, worth applying (it’s never too late to help your kids). The mistakes we can avoid are:

MISTAKE 1: We Won’t Let Them Fail
When we remove the possibility of failure, we dilute kids’ motivation to excel.

MISTAKE 2: We Project Our Lives on Them
When we project, kids are pressured to become someone they are not.

MISTAKE 3: We Prioritize Being Happy
When happiness is the goal instead of a by-product, it is elusive and disappointing.

MISTAKE 4: We Are Inconsistent
When we are inconsistent, we send mixed signals and breed insecurity and instability in kids.

MISTAKE 5: We Remove the Consequences
When we remove consequences for actions, we fail to prepare kids for the future.

MISTAKE 6: We Lie About Their Potential and Don’t Explore Their True Potential
When we distort, disillusionment results from dreams that don’t match kids’ gifts.

MISTAKE 7: We Won’t Let Them Struggle or Fight
When we eliminate the struggle, kids are conditioned to give up easily without trying.

MISTAKE 8: We Give Them What They Should Earn
When we give them too much, they don’t learn the art of working and waiting.

MISTAKE 9: We Praise the Wrong Things
When we affirm kids’ looks or smarts instead of their virtues, their values become skewed.

MISTAKE 10: We Value Removing All Pain
When we take away pain, kids’ ability to endure hardship or loss atrophies.

MISTAKE 11: We Do It for Them
When we do things for kids, they can become lazy, unmotivated to grow, and disabled.

MISTAKE 12: We Prepare the Path for the Child Instead of the Child for the Path
When we prepare the path, kids’ childhoods work fine, but their adulthood looks bleak.

There is practical application and real-life examples throughout the book. Worth taking a chance on, one word of caution though, it may require that you change too.

Pick up the book.

Tim’s Organization: Growing Leaders

Is there a “secret sauce” to growing godly kids? If there is, whoever developed the recipe needs to put it in a bottle and take my money. Just apply a few drops every week to your kids and watch them become the people you had always hoped they be. The recipe for this has been around for a very long time, the problem is, it can’t be placed in a bottle and reduced to an occasional outside action. The recipe is found in God’s Word. Here is one example from Psalm 78:1-4…

“O my people, LISTEN to my instructions.
Open your ears to what I am saying,
for I will speak to you in a parable.
I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—
stories we have heard and known,
stories our ancestors handed down to us.
WE WILL NOT HIDE these truths from our children;”

Now, when we think of having our children taught about God, the common thought is the church is where this should be done, this is part of the reason the church exists. The church is here to help you teach your children about Jesus, and faith, and righteousness… Many churches have things like youth group. Sunday School. Wednesday Nights. VBS. The church is here to help your children know more about God….

BUT make no mistake… THERE’S NO SUBSTITUTE for us teaching our OWN kids

In fact, when God commands us to teach our children, He doesn’t tell us to take them someplace where someone else can teach them.

Consider Deuteronomy 11:19 which tells us “Teach (God’s commands) to YOUR children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

As much value as Sunday School teachers, and KidMin leaders, and youth ministers and preachers can be… there is no substitute for YOU teaching your own children.

Christian families do this in various ways. Most take their children to church with them and discuss what they’ve learned in their classes and in the sermon. Some have a devotional time together each day. Some seek for a teachable moment.

Here is a fact: No one leaves a godly legacy by accident.

The passage says we should proclaim to the next generation the 1) glorious deeds of the Lord, 2) His power and 3) his mighty wonders. This means that we will be bold and unapologetic in thanking the Lord for His provision. We will use language that speaks of the glory of Christ in the midst of our blessing and make Him known through it. Telling the next generation about His power means that we openly recognize Christ as the source and power of all things. Hebrews 1:2-3 says that “He made the world….and upholds all things by the word of His power.”

Expressing His “mighty works” is really a call to connect the gospel of Jesus Christ to all things. It is the work of the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ that makes possible everything else in the Christian life. When celebration of the gospel as an integral function of our being takes place, the next generation becomes more keenly aware of its power.

So what happens when this takes place in church and family life? We see that a godly legacy has great rewards!

Intentional generational teaching occurs. The next generation takes on the challenges of the generation before them. Confidence in Jesus is bolstered. Our children remember God’s faithfulness in previous works and in the gospel. Future generations are prone to see the failures and sins of their fathers and rise above them.

As a parent, we see the importance of teaching our children helping them grow in their relationship with God. But no parents can do all this without the help of others. This is why student and children’s ministry exists and why all other educational efforts in the church exist.
Building a godly legacy takes effort and intentional, relational effort—but most things that endure require this too.